Forget Christmas and New Year’s Eve—Halloween is where it’s at. With the ability to dress any way you’d like, see the smiles on children’s faces when you give them a bag of Swedish Fish (they’re vegan!), and watch scary movies all day long, how could it not be?
That said, the best part of All Hallow’s Eve is how we can scare friends, family, and strangers and not get punched. In fact, it’s actually encouraged!
Unfortunately, everyday is Halloween for vegans thanks to frightening things that don’t even register with the average person. We’re talking meat departments at grocery stores, SeaWorld, the never-ending “but how do you get your protein?” question, and losing sleep over why the world isn’t vegan yet.
This Halloween, we’re dreaming up costumes so scary, they’ll make your veg friends and family quiver in fear.
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Costumes, a Halloween tradition
What is Halloween without a proper costume? Every year, millions scour seasonal costume stores and Pinterest boards as they search for the perfect Halloween attire.
A Halloween staple, this holiday tradition first originated in the ancient Celtic festival known as Samhain. Originally a new year’s celebration marking the end of the summer harvest and the start of winter, this time of year was also associated with death.
It was believed that just before the new year began on November 1, the dead returned to roam the Earth the night prior, October 31. To prevent spirits beyond the grave from wrecking havoc, bonfires were set ablaze and costumes were worn to ward off evil.
Halloween costumes, DIY edition
Before you bob for apples at Halloween parties or plan your trick-or-treating route, get ready to scream with these 10 Halloween costumes guaranteed to fright any vegan.
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1 Bacon-loving hipster
Handlebar moustache? Check. Rolled up, tight jeans? Check. Ironic tattoo you’ll get covered when you go back to school for a business degree? Check. Plaid? Check. Suspenders? Check. Belief that living in Williamsburg, Silver Lake, or San Francisco isn’t what it used to be even though you’ve been there only five years? Check. Moronic attitude that somehow bacon makes your espadrilles look cooler? Wrong.
Real California Milk
2Misleading labels
We’ve all been there. After filling your shopping cart with healthy fruits and veggies, you head to the frozen aisle, on the lookout for the newest vegan novelty. You’re overjoyed when you spot a new pot pie—the words “plant-based” brightly plastered across the packaging. Like the dutiful vegan that you are, you check the ingredients only for “Cotains: dairy, eggs” to crush your dreams.
With #fashiontips inspired by the Riddler, draw question marks on an old t-shirt along with contradicting food phrases. Congratulations, you’re the most frustrating at the party.
Vitamix
3 Broken Vitamix
Vegans LOVE their Vitamix blenders. Never is this more true than when they break (due to overuse, of course!), which means a whole lot of tears is all you need to dress as a broken Vitamix this Halloween because once that smoothie-making life-saver needs to be sent out for repair—which can take a few weeks—you’ll be doing A LOT of crying.
Ongoing Issue
4 Empty bottle of sriracha
On second thought, maybe this one’s too scary.
Avoseedo
5 Brown avocado
Get a green bed sheet, and cut arm holes into it. Once this is finished, paint a large, circular brown pit where your stomach is. Then, to add the scare factor, glue brown sand across random portions of the sheet. You see those people screaming, sweating, running away from you, and/or fainting? Those are the vegans at the party.
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6 Non-vegan date
This one’s tricky because it requires near-perfection. Still, it can be done. Basically, think of your ideal mate. You’ll have to consider height, hair color/style, do they wear glasses, tattoos or no tattoos, on a scale of one to 10, how much do they love the Misfits … those sorts of things.
When you can picture the partner of your dreams—the person for whom you’ve been longing for oh so many lonely nights—talk about how much you love animals. Go on and on about cows and dogs and cats and pigs and how you once had a goat named Harvey when you were a child. Then order a plate of shrimp tacos with a side of cheese fries and a milkshake.
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7 United States Food and Drug Administration
Remember when the FDA was in the back pocket of the mayonnaise industry and tried to shut down Eat Just’s Just Mayo because the vegan product perfectly mimics its traditional counterpart? And remember when those emails from lobbyists were leaked and someone threatened to send some “friends” from Brooklyn to take care of Eat Just CEO Josh Tetrick? I don’t know how you’d dress as all that, but if you did, you’d certainly be the scariest person in America.
Centre for Aging
8 Forgetful uncle
This Halloween, tap into “uncle memory.” You’ll need white Court Classic sneakers and a polo shirt tucked into a pair of Levi’s. Once you’ve got the look down, all you need to complete the costume is to ask every vegan if he or she wants a chicken wing. When said vegan reminds you that they haven’t eaten meat in more than a decade, that’s your cue to ask if they want turkey instead. When he or she walks away in a huff, you say, “More for me.” Then, erase this pertinent information from your mind, and do it all over again at Thanksgiving and Christmas!
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9 80 cents
What? Dressing as three quarters and a nickel doesn’t sound scary to you? Then consider this: the average upcharge for non-dairy milks at coffeehouses around the country is anywhere between 50 cents to $1. While 50 cents less than a dollar might not sound all that frightening, if you were to buy coffee five days a week, that comes out to $2.50. Keep doing the math and on a yearly basis, that’s … well, a lot of money!
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10 Internet troll
Read only headlines, make sweeping generalizations and baseless comments about how much humans just absolutely need to eat meat, and never properly spell the word “definitely.” Then, once you get to a party, be the most difficult person there. If someone asks if you’d like a drink, tell them, “You asked me wrong.” When an old friend stops by to say “hello,” reply with, “I could have said ‘hello’ better.” But, remember, you couldn’t have said “hello” better. In fact, you’ve never even tried to say “hello” to anyone. That’s what makes you an internet troll!
