You know that revelatory moment when you’re finally over your ex long enough to start focusing on what’s next—instead of dwelling on how you wasted all of that precious time waiting for a deeper level of commitment that you never got, despite the promises? And then one day, after both the relationship and the break-up are final and your life is beginning to feel blissfully calm, you entertain the idea of getting back out in the dating game.
Starting fresh is not for the faint of heart, but I’m here to remind you that you’re not alone—and that with new beginnings can also come new rules to live by, and to date by. Regardless of whether you’re getting back into the dating pool after a romance came to a bittersweet end—or you’re still recovering from a year-plus of lockdown when meeting new people felt too dangerous—let’s seize the opportunity for starting again, again.
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Table of Contents
Yes, you are allowed to go slowly.
A video call, followed by an in-person oat milk latte, and then onward to a full-on vegan feast for date three sounds like a respectable cadence. If you’re re-entering the dating game after some time out, feel free to be cautious. There are plenty of fishless fish filets in the freezer.
No, that doesn’t mean you have to go slow.
Disclaimer: my people (by which I mean lesbians, not Scorpios) have historically been famous for booking U-Hauls on the second date, so I’m admittedly a bit biased. But sometimes, when you know you’ve found your person—well, you just know. Just keep your head on straight and be sure to not get too swept up in NRE (Dan Savage’s code for that super-intoxicating “new relationship energy”).
Yes, you are allowed to date more than one person at once.
For some, casually dating multiple people is just one way to throw a bunch of things at the wall and see what sticks (romantic, I know). If that’s you, just be fully transparent with the people you’re meeting so that you can avoid hurt feelings later (actually, … that’s not true. Hurt feelings are pretty much inevitable in the dating game, but do your best to keep them to a minimum).
No, that doesn’t mean it will be easy to navigate.
Ethical non-monogamy and just plain casual dating are both respectable choices, but they require a worldliness, maturity, and humility that not a lot of people possess. If this is the route you are taking, be sure you’re regularly reflecting on your actions—possibly with the help of a therapist or trusted friend who is not interested in blowing smoke up your ass.
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Yes, knowing your needs within a relationship is a good thing.
One of the silver linings of moving past old flames is that they give us an opportunity to look inward, figure out what worked and didn’t work, and reassess the ways we show up in relationships.
No, that doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily stick to those.
Sometimes, our needs genuinely change and get shifted around a bit. This isn’t self-abandonment; this is understanding that successful relationships involve two whole individuals who are walking side-by-side.
Though understanding our needs within relationships is important, we should never look to our partner to fill us up (that’s what late-night vegan burritos are for).
Yes, it’s okay to let go of many of your partner’s annoying quirks.
A secret to lasting love is repeatedly letting go of expectations and having the self-awareness to self-soothe. I wish I could go back in time and give this advice to a younger me: radically let go of things your partner does or says that bother you whenever humanly possible.
No, that doesn’t mean you should justify being treated badly.
Don’t confuse letting go with letting your partner get away with being an asshole. Stand up for yourself. If your partner is unable or unwilling to treat you respectfully, letting go might mean letting go of the relationship.
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Yes, you should be communicative.
It’s true that resentment will eat away at you and eventually tarnish your relationship beyond repair. If something is bothering you, you should absolutely feel emboldened and secure enough to thoughtfully mention it to your darling.
No, that doesn’t mean you should process all the time.
But don’t get stuck in the bottomless rabbit hole of talking about your feelings (my people have also been famous for this for eons). There comes a point where processing is just masturbatory. Your partner can’t fill up your empty parts for you (not without consent, anyway), and neither can endless conversations about why you are feeling that way about that thing. Intervene with your very own thoughts and enjoy your day, dammit.
Yes, you can pay for the date.
Generosity and chivalry are both charming characteristics, and a little romance can go a long way. Hopefully, this goes without saying, but paying for the date is appropriate for all genders (not just a dude).
No, you shouldn’t pay all the time.
Your generous nature doesn’t mean you should put aside your own basic needs (including your financial ones) to woo your boo. Boundaries, as well as negotiating around money matters, can be wonderful opportunities to develop closeness and understanding (they can also be hot).
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Yes, you are allowed to get personal and political on your date.
Too much small talk will keep your relationship small. Even if you don’t see eye to eye on everything, being able to express your worldview and share important parts of yourself with your new fling are vital to the long-term health of your relationship. Don’t shy away from going there, but be kind-hearted if you do.
No, you shouldn’t go on another date if you feel fundamentally mismatched or disrespected.
There are indeed certain impasses within relationships. Though I know couples who have managed to navigate different political affiliations, for others, that would be a deal-breaker. It all comes down to whether you both feel fundamentally respected, even in your differing worldviews.
Yes, it’s okay if you’re veg and they’re not (yet).
Though it is next-level romantic to make the big, sweeping life change of going vegan alongside our main squeeze (nothing says “I love you” like “Do you want a bite of my non-dairy ice cream?”), for many couples, one person joins the plant-side first. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, since your newfound veganism will surely impact your partner’s habits, even if they aren’t fully on board yet.
No, that doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice your beliefs or comfort level.
Your veganism is one of the best parts of you, and your lover should recognize that. If you have unbending rules—such as that the food in the house needs to be all veg, or you won’t go to a Thanksgiving dinner where a dead bird is present—that’s perfectly fine: you do you. Practicing interdependence means you each get to make your own choices. The ways you and your S.O. navigate around those choices will show you a lot about your relationship.
